When I was a kid, I was really tiny. I wasn’t really active, but I had a very small body and I was the “ideal weight”, maybe even a little underweight, for an 8 year old. Then I went through puberty at age 9, and was told that we were going to be moving from my home state of Texas to a place I didn’t want to go, Maryland. I gained a lot of weight and became extremely depressed.
In seventh grade, I was diagnosed with major depression and seasonal affective disorder due to the depression. I was overweight, unhappy, and I was cutting a lot. Cutting was something I attached to when I first moved to Maryland. I cut everyday, all over my arms. When my parents found out and forced me to see a therapist, I began cutting my legs. I hated myself so much that in eighth grade, I began popping pain pills and forcing myself to pass out so I didn’t have to stay awake during the day. I threw up my food after every meal for almost a year and the only reason I stopped was because I love dental hygiene (it’s a strange reason to stop, but after I read about how it affects your teeth, I was extremely scared I would do something bad to my teeth). I sobered up in 10th grade and didn’t cut for almost a year, but relapsed when I was dumped by a girlfriend of mine. I was depressed, I felt ugly and gross, and worst of all, in my mind, I was fat. I hated myself more than ever because of that one word that haunted my Tumblr asks and MySpace messages.
I have tried to kill myself over 20 times, landed myself in a mental hospital over Halloween, was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder, and relapsed a few more times after that.
Earlier this year, I decided to stop hating my body. Although I have relapsed recently, and I don’t regret those times that I have, I began to love my body. Every stretch mark, every scar, and every bit of pudge I have. I love my fat. I love being overweight. I am not unhealthy, I am happy, I am fat, and I don’t see it as a bad word anymore. It’s a good thing to love your weight, no matter how big or small you are. I have never been happier with my body than I am right now.
It’s hard for me to find jeans that fit my short height, big legs, and big butt. It’s hard for me to find clothes that I think look good on me, or shirts and dresses that fit my big boobs, because I’m still learning. It’s hard for me to feel confident in a bathing suit… but I am LEARNING to love my body. It’s been a very long, hard journey for my body and I am starting to feel comfortable showing my scars on my legs and the stretch marks that cover my stomach. I feel much more confident than I ever have, and I love it so much. If anybody feels uncomfortable with their body, or feels like they aren’t beautiful enough because of their body: I THINK YOUR BODY IS BEAUTIFUL! Everyone is unique and it’s okay to flaunt it. Fuck “flattering” clothes, fuck what people think is beautiful. YOU are gorgeous and I think your body is perfect. :)
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